Akito's Baby Blues
by Master Fifer
Summary: Uncle Shigure with a new name! Shigure's out leaving Akito to care for the kids! What will happen?
1. Chapter 1

Yo! Master Fifer and Liger Zero writing again! This time, Kyou, Yuki, and Haru are bugging the hell out of Shigure when they're youngsters! You all are trembling, I know, but still! BE THRILLED THAT WE ARE WRITING FOR YOU! WE DO SO MUCH FOR YOU! (Laughs like Akito)

**Sup, this is Liger Zero Nightmare ((I'm in bold)) as for that (looks up) that's just Fifer. Ignore her she does that (though it is extremely funny)) we RP …a lot. Enjoy the show everybody!**

(Laughs like Akito **HARDER **and falls off chair)

Uncle Shigure

11 o' clock at night. The door was closed. Locked actually.

Shigure sighed as he climbed into bed. Finally, FINALLY, he had gotten Haru, Kyou, and Yuki into bed after a fight about counter space, who was going to use the green tooth brush, and why flossing was indeed important.

Shigure got on his hands and knees and did 3 Circles on his bed (A/N you know, like what your dog does … teehee!).

"1, 2… and 3." He lay down.

Sleep was just coming when suddenly…

"UNCLE SHIGURE!"

Dammit…

Sighing, Shigure climbed out of bed and walked down the hall to the room.

"What now, Haru?"

"Kyou keeps pulling my hair! And he says I look older than 6!"

"That is so not true, you whiny little brat!"

Haru started crying. Yuki looked pissed off at being woken up AGAIN and was moodily staring at the wall. Shigure sighed, and picked up Haru.

"Kyou, it's not nice to make fun of people's appearances. Even if they are somewhat… noticeable…"

"UNCLE SHIGURE!" Haru looked shocked at his "Uncle."

"Nevertheless, apologize to Haru."

Kyou crossed his arms, looked away, and mumbled.

"I'm sorry, ya whiner."

Haru sniffed and buried his head in Shigure's neck, sucking his thumb.

"Can you three please go to sleep now? I have a busy day tomorrow."

"Okay."

"I guess."

"I didn't even do anything!" Yuki protested.

Shigure put Haru back in his bed and was about to leave when …

"Uncle Shigure, don't leave yet!"

"Why not, Haru?"

"Because Kyou told me that Akito was under my bed!"

Shigure gave Kyou the "look" all parents, babysitters, and care takers know by heart.

"Akito does NOT live under your bed, Haru. He lives and was created much, much deeper underground than a bed. God, that child..."

"Wha?"

"Never mind. Go to sleep."

Haru wriggled into bed, sighing nervously. Shigure made sure there were no more interruptions, then closed the door.

He went to his room and crawled in bed, after repeating the process of the 3 Circles. For good luck and happy dreams, of course.

4 o' clock in the morning. Door OPENED after somehow being unlocked.

"Uncle Shigure?"

Shigure grumbled and turned over.

"Go away, Patty. Shiggy doesn't want to play right now. Later."

Haru got angry, going Black immediately.

"MY NAME IS NOT PATTY! UNCLE SHIGURE, I THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME!"

The sudden outburst sent Shigure flying out of bed, screaming. Haru, meanwhile, was breaking anything of value and screaming about how he thought Shigure loved him and knew his name and how he was not going to get a birthday present and his robe smelled etc etc. etc.

"Haru! Calm down! What's wrong?"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"

"I am not yelling at you!"

"YES YOU ARE! STOP, NOW!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. What do you want?"

Black Haru left, leaving White Haru.

"I'm thirsty."

"I thought we agreed that when we get thirsty in the middle of the night we go to the bathroom and get ourselves some water?"

"It's too dark."

Shigure sighed again, took Haru by the hand, and walked into the bathroom. He grabbed a cup by the sink, filled it with water, and handed it to Haru.

"Drink."

Haru stared at the water.

"What's wrong?"

"It's contaminated."

"What do you mean?"

"There are things floating in it."

"No there's not, drink."

"No."

Shigure ground his teeth.

"Hatsuharu…"

"Fine, but only because if I don't drink it, it will go to waste." He finished the water, wiping his mouth on his PJ sleeve.

Shigure tossled the white bangs playfully and took him by the hand. He walked down the hall and into the boys' room.

"Seriously, go to sleep."

"Okay."

For the third time that night, Shigure did his 3 Circles, and fell asleep, thankfully not awakened again.

7 o' clock in the kitchen reading the paper. Shigure sipped his coffee. The boys weren't up yet, but they would be soon, knowing them.

A sudden clunk startled him from his quiet moment. Then crying and screaming. Kyou came running down the stairs, bawling, tripped on the last step, and went sprawling into the hall. He got back up and sat on the ground, crying HARDER about some unknown disturbance.

Shigure picked him up and took him into the kitchen.

"Kyou, I swear… What happened this time?"

"I had another d-dream!"

"Dear lord… What happened this time?"

"I w-w-was being chased by a-a bunch of dogs… and they wanted to eat me!"

"There aren't any dogs that are going to eat you."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"One hundred percent?"

"One hundred and ten percent."

Kyou continued to sniff for a while the finally calmed down.

Yuki came downstairs later, groggy and moody. Haru came down next 15 minutes later, black and white hair sticking straight up in the most comical fashion of bed head, screaming his lungs out at the others for leaving him alone and upset in the room. Some juice and a rice ball quickly distracted him, however.

Shigure suddenly yelped.

"OH MY GOD! I totally forgot! I have to go see Aya today! I have no one to take care of you!" He hit himself in the head with his palm.

"Grrr… okay, okay. Someone's gotta be able to…."

Haru tugged his sleeve.

"I want Uncle Hatori!"

"No, no, Unlce Hatori is busy today. Everyone is… except… but that would be just be stupid and idiotic… but I did promise Aya…"

Sighing, Shigure got up and grabbed the phone, punching the numbers in.

"Hello, Hatori? I need to ask Akito a favor."

UH-OH! Mind you, this is before Akito went mental, he would actually be about 12, so LZN and I are just guessing that he would be a bit more in control. Aren't they cuties, our little Zodiacs? We've decided that Shigure is 16, Yuki and Kyou are 7, and Haru is 6. just thought it would be a cutie. Please tell me what you think about our Little Zodiac Club! Thanx a lot. R & R puh-lease!

MF + LZN


	2. El Diablo Burrito Akito!

Wow, 6 reviews and 82- (checks) 83 hits! And it's only been on for 2 days, just about! Well, guess I gotta fuel the fire, eh?

Uncle Shigure

El Diablo Burrito Akito

_Chirp chirp. Chirp. Chirp chirp._

Akito lovingly stroked Polly the 19th on her white head.

"You're so perfect, Polly. So perfect. You symbolize so much in my dreary life. Yes Polly, that's right. You. You are the only friend I have, and for that I am thankful. No one could replace you, Polly. Others have tried, but all have failed. I know my fate, Polly. I know what consequences being Head of the House have. Can I tell you a secret, Polly? Can I? The truth is I don't want to die, Polly. I want to live. For a long time. You see, Polly, no one wants to die and I think that's what we fear the most."

_Chirp chirp._

Akito smiled.

"I'm glad we see eye to eye here. …. But, I'm afraid you can't be trusted, seeing as you were LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AS I WAS BEARING MY SOUL TO YOU!"

_CHIRP CHIRP-_

_SQUEEZE!_

_……………_

Akito dropped the now dead Polly on the ground laughing insanely.

"Ha, I'm funny. HATORI! I DEMAND A NEW BIRD!"

No answer.

"HATORI!"

No answer.

"What the fudge is that man doing? Tend to my every whim my ass! HATORI!"

"Akito, I'm on the phone!"

"Funny, I didn't ask _what_ you were doing, I asked for SERVICE! Yet, there you stand, downstairs, as in not up here where I need you, yakking it up with some long lost girlfriend or whatever! Do you think my emotions are something to toy with, Hatori? Do you? Do you enjoy seeing me yell at you? Well, it's more for my own amusement to be honest, so who cares what you think."

Shigure knew that Akito was in a foul mood today (he could hear him through the phone), but he really needed someone to watch Haru, Kyou, and Yuki.

Hatori went back to the phone conversation.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"I have no one else."

"Okay, but don't blame me when all three of them turn up dead. AKITO, COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE!"

"WHY? I ASKED YOU TO COME UP HERE, AND NOTHING HAPPENED, SO SEEING AS YOU'RE ASKING ME TO COME DOWN-"

"Just, come down, okay?"

Akito walked down the stairs.

"What?"

"Phone."

Normally, Akito didn't receive ANY phone calls, so he wanted to squeal like an excited 9 year old girl who had gotten her first quarter from the tooth fairy, but being Akito, he snarled at Hatori, grabbed the phone, and in the most bored fashion started talking.

"So, you one of Hatori's one night stands or something? I'd be careful if I were you, he's known to-"

"Hello, Akito."

Dammit.

"Oh, heeeeeeeeey, Shigure. What's going on?"

"I need to ask you a favor."

"Listening?"

Shigure knew that Child Services would object to what he was doing right now, but it had to be done.

"Look, I promised Aya we'd do something today-"

"Oh, you mean a date?"

"NO! And I forgot to ask if anyone could take care of Kyou, Haru ,and Yuki."

Silence…

Akito wasn't one to pick up on obvious questions.

Commentary Bubble pops up with Hatori

"You see, when Shigure said 'And I forgot to ask if anyone could take care of Kyou, Haru, and Yuki' he was giving an obvious hint to Akito who, as mentioned before, does NOT pick up on obvious questions. Why Shigure didn't just say, "Can you watch Kyou, Haru , and Yuki for me" is a mysery we may never know. End of commentary.

Commentary Bubble closes

"Sooooooo, what are you saying?"

"I'm asking you to please take care of them for me. … Please?"

'Hm, I guess. One thing, though."

"Yes?"

"Say 'Please Akito the Good-Great-Magnificent-All-Powerful-Lord-of-Terror. With a cherry on top."

The effect was somehow lessened with the last order…

Shigure sighed.

"Please Akito the Good-Great-Magnificent-All-Powerful-Lord-of-Terror. With a cherry on top."

"Jeez, Shigure, you didn't have to beg. Oh, I forgot, it's in your nature!"

Akito laughed at his own joke while Shigure ground his teeth. Akito abruptly stopped laughing.

"I'll be over in 10." Dial tone.

Haru tugged on Shigure's sleeve.

"What happened, Uncle Shigure?"

"Haru, listen to me carefully okay?"

"Otay."

"If Akito says eat something that does NOT look like food, do NOT eat it. You also have permission to hide in the washer and dryer."

"Otay."

Back at the main house, Akito was on the floor rolling around in circles, laughing hysterically. Hatori sighed and hung up the phone.

"Well, that went fairly well."

(laughs like Akito) CHAPTER 2! FEAR IT! (peace sign) R&R please!

MF + LZN


	3. A Long Expected Catastrophy

I can see you guys clearly like this story better than I expected. That makes me very happy! And to think that this was a simple silly thought! That's the talk of the day: Don't let ideas go to waste! Write down as many as you can!

Wisdom of the day:_ **A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense**._ (Find more Wisdom of the Days on LotR Spoof Pages, the link will be on my profile)

_Knock knock knock._

Shigure stared in terror at the door. AKITO HAD COME! As he walked toward the door he could have sworn Alfred Hitchcock's theme was playing and a crash of lightning happened outside…

_KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK._

"I'm coming!"

**_BAM!_**

Shigure sighed. Akito had kicked open the door.

"You don't see THAT on Emeril! BAM!" He laughed evilly.

Shigure looked at his watch. Akito abruptly stopped laughing again.

"I let myself in."

Commentary bubble pops up with Akito inside.

"You see, by kicking open the door, I was stating my point that I was here, and whoever was getting the door needs lessons in speed because I was getting impatient knocking. I also laughed because I had destroyed Shigure's door, and found it extremely funny at the time. As I do now. Ahem, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! End of commentary."

Commentary bubble leaves. Sooo sad…

Shigure led Akito in where Yuki, Kyou, and Haru were still having, or playing with, breakfast.

"Okay, bedtime is at 10, no later or else I'll have to deal with 3 grumpy kids in the morning."

_Just to make your life hell, Shigure, I'll put them to bed whenever they want to go to bed._

"Yuki likes his milk warmed up slightly and skimmed. Kyou does not like 1 percent, but 2. Haru doesn't drink milk for reasons of his own, and prefers juice. Preferably orange or grapefruit. They are allowed to watch TV as long as they are PG or under."

_I'm sure Prison Babe counts as PG in some parts…_

"Make sure they brush their teeth and FLOSS."

_I really just don't care…_

"Haru might try to climb on the couch with you-"

_Then I'll just shove him off…_

"-so wait 'till he falls asleep then take him back upstairs."

_But he didn't say WHERE upstairs. I'll put him in the tub with the toaster…_

"Kyou has nightmares sometimes, so if he starts freaking out wake him up and calm him down."

_Luckily, I packed some horse drugs. That should calm him down._

"If they get into little spats send whoever was in the brawl for a time out."

_Or, I could let them fight to the death and sweep up the remains of the loser…_

"Food's in the fridge and the juice is next to the leeks. Oh, and make sure Kyou eats his leeks, he hates them."

_A mouthful of dirt can be a great motivator for eating leeks…_

"I'll be back around 11."

_Hopefully, you and Ayame will be done doing whatever you've been doing by then…_

"So be safe, and have fun."

_Well, I can guarantee I'm gonna have lots of fun, but I can not guarantee on the safe part…_

Akito nodded innocently, and smiled. A very big stretch for his person, you see. I mean come on, Akito smiling?That was like Ayame not being self centered, or Hatori being silly…

Shigure walked toward the door, still babbling about stuff the brats- I mean kids needed.

"-steals Yuki's blanket so just separate them if they start to fight. I also have laundry in the washer-"

He stood outside the door, facing Akito, STILL talking.

"-if you need to reach me I'll give you the number of the restaurant-"

_SLAM! _Went the door in Shigure's face.

Commentary bubble pops up with Yuki, Kyou, and Haru in it. Yuki speaks."What Fifer-Chan forgot was that Akito had kicked open the door, rendering it broken. She tried to make up for it by shoving us in a commentary bubble, and telling you the previous information, but we all knew you know already."

Haru scratches his head.

"What?"

"Darn rat, always trying to confuse us…"

"End of commentary."

"Yuki?"

"What, Haru?"

"What is a commentary?"

Akito laughed as the door slammed in Shigure's face. He stopped, abruptly (duh) and waltzed into the kitchen where the expensive house workers- I mean kids were still eating. He sat himself down next to Kyou and stared at them.

After five minutes, the kids began to feel uncomfortable with Akito looking at them. Kyou got angry.

"What are you looking at?"

**_SMACK!_**

Akito smirked as Kyou held his head in pain.

"I hope you don't speak to all of your elders like that, Kyou. It's very disrespectful."

Akito started laughing. Evilly, of course. He stopped.

"Bed. All of you."

Yuki frowned.

"But it's only 10 in the morning-"

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING ME?"

Haru cowered (ha, I just made a pun! COWered? Come on, you got to admit that was pretty good!) and whimpered.

"No, Uncle Akito, we'll go to bed!"

They ran up the stairs.

Akito laughed (Evilly) and put his feet on the table.

"It's good to be me."

Oh, dear… Poor Yuki, Kyou, and Haru! Sorry for the sucky chapter. Next time will be better!

Master Fifer


	4. Rain on Yuki's Proverbial Parade

It has come to my attention that I did not put a disclaimer for this story… Oopsies. But, anyway, if I owned Fruits Basket I wouldn't be wasting my time writing a story like this because I would have already been famous, with a mansion, and lots of pretty pretty ponies. Alas, I do not have all of this, therefore I do not own. Yep yep. Here we go.

Kyou kicked the side of his bed angrily.

"This bites! It's only 11 in the morning and we're sent to bed! I'm not even tired!"

Haru nodded.

"Me eider! I'm not tired, I'm not tired, I'm not tired, I'M NOT TIRED, I'M NOT TIRED, I'M NOT-" He promptly rolled over and fell asleep.

Yuki sighed.

"Well, this is promising. It seems we've put ourselves in an adversarial predicament."

"Shut up, I don't even know what that means!"

Yuki climbed off his bed and began to pace, rudely shoving Kyou aside as he was in his way.

"Well, let's think. Maybe if we behave, Akito will let us come out early."

"Define your definition of 'early' here, Yuki! For all we know we could be here until Uncle Hatori gets a new attitude! And that's NEVER gonna happen!"

"Kyou, your negative attitude is raining on my proverbial parade. So SHUT. UP."

"Proverbial… what?"

"Never mind, just let me see here…"

He paced the room some more, making a dramatic effect of mumbling under his breath and counting on his fingers every once in a while. Kyou thought it was very Katherine Zeta Jones in the latest Zorro movie. OVERDRAMATIC. (A/N and yes, I believe Katherine Zeta Jones is overly dramatic A/N) The ever present vein in his forehead was … a bit more noticeable than usual. Everyone suspected Kyou was going to bust an artery by the age of 9, but back to the topic at hand. Yuki stopped and tapped his chin thoughtfully.

"Well, I have come up with what thing."

"Yeah?"

"Something that fits the topic at hand right now. It's almost perfect."

"Well, get on with it!"

"All I have to say right now is…. I got nothing."

He dejectedly sat down. Kyou's blood pressure increased to a height dangerous to most elderly folk.

"THAT'S IT?"

"Yep. Well, if worst comes to worst, we can use Haru as a human shield."

"THAT'S THE- Well, the last part was actually pretty smart…"

Meanwhile…

Akito moodily flipped through the channels on the television so fast, he didn't even bother to look at it.

"Boring. No. Yawn. Snore. Yawn times 3. Bore. Ing. Nope. Notta. Zip. Nein. Ain't no way. Uh uh. Pft, yeah right, I'd rather watch the Brady Bunch."

Scene stops and Akito turns to audience.

"And that's saying something."

Scene continues.

"Snore. What's this?"

"No! I won't rest until I get Al back into his body."

"Well, it's something in Japanese…"

"Ed, you have to stop this! You'll never get Al's body AND your arm and leg!"

"Well, if you were stupid enough to lose that arm and leg in the first place…"  
"You don't understand, Colonel-"

"I understand perfectly. I forbid you to leave the Headquarters without my knowledge."

"I'm starting to like this Colonel guy…"

The scene cut to a lady in black with VERY long nails… oh, and some fat lard was next to her.

"Hello, sweet thang!"

"So, the Elric brothers are heading north after all…"

"Pft, forget about them. I'M the real man here…"

"Lust, when we find them, may I eat them?"

Akito was a bit disturbed by this.

"I-I hope he didn't mean that in a sexual way…"

The girl named Lust chuckled and patted the Sir Lardo on the head.

"We shall see, Gluttony. We shall see."

"Fudge it all, where's the action? The kicking? The BLOOD?"

The scene cut back to that shrimp and his personal refrigerator … tin can … THING.

"Brother-"

"Oh, wonderful. The tin can TALKS."

"-if we ever do find the Philosopher's Stone. Do you think we could maybe-"

"Don't be ridiculous, Al."

Akito threw a cheddar goldfish at the screen, hissing. Suddenly, a very androgynous, green haired boy (or girl?) in a top with matching skirt ("Yeah, definitely a girl.") appeared.

Akito threw a saucy wink at the TV screen.

"Hey there, hot stuff."

"Aww, Edward Elric and Alphonse Elric."

Akito choked on his water when he heard the GUY'S voice.

"How was I to know? It was the skirt… skort thing!"

This boy enjoyed kicking things thoroughly; it appeared as he proceeded to kick the shit outta Shrimpy- I mean Ed. Akito all but bounced off the chair laughing.

It was like watching the Wizard of Oz (counting the Tin Can known as Al) with upgraded weaponry and swearing. Oh, and most importantly, BLOOD.

After the show had ended, Akito was addicted to it. Except, he didn't know the name of it. Maybe one of Shigure's brats would know. Pft, like hell he was going to release them from their current cage, though. Sighing, he turned off the TV, and made his way into the kitchen.

A cake was on the counter. There was a note by it that read "**DO NOT TOUCH. FOR SATURDAY'S BAKE SALE."**

"Huh, this is where your life has gone, Shigure. BAKE SALES."

Akito sliced himself a piece of cake, and grabbed the milk from the fridge, drinking it from the carton.

He put his feet up on the table and sighed happily. Then he heard the crash from upstairs and someone crying. The crying was getting closer… also the sound of little feet. Coming to HIM.

Akito dropped his fork, and stared at the hallway in fear. Someone was coming to him… FOR A HUG.

Oh noes…. Thanx for all the loverly reviews I'm getting from y'all. It makes my day! Oh, and cookies for all who can tell me what Anime Akito was watching… it should be pretty obvious! No worries if you don't though. I still love y'all!

Fifer-Chan.


	5. Law & Horror: Special Victums

La Dee Dah, Fifer-Chan is back. WHOOT! Ahem, I apologize for my inexcusable absence, but my brain wasn't functioning and it took me a while to come up with the following chappy. So sit back, relax, and laugh.

I do not own… oh, you know the drill.

Akito was actually fearful as the crying got closer. He wasn't one to express or hand out free affection (um, DUH), so this was a bit shock.

The victim in question was Haru who had fallen out of bed, and was blaming it on Kyou. Yuki, witness to this supposed crime, walked down the stairs and stayed in the hallway until he was called for his side of the story. Kyou, defendant of the acclaimed devious deed, came screaming that he was innocent down the stairs in a huff.

Haru reached Akito. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion next.

(**in slow mo**) Haru runs to Akito who tries to run the opposite direction, but is too late. His face turns to pure agony as Haru's hand comes into contact with his leg. Aktio tries to get the phone as Haru small arms encircle his waist and starts crying into his shirt.

(**end slow mo**) The scene that Kyou and Yuki walk in on is one of PURE SHOCK.

Haru was sobbing senselessly into Akito who had his arms over his head in an attempt to not touch the young calf. … Wait, that's redundant. –over his head in an attempt to not touch the calf. There we go. Akito was also balanced on one foot, mind you, for in his panic and mid flee, Haru had gotten to him when his foot was in the air.

Everything was silent, save for Haru still sobbing wordlessly into Akito who either was about to a) die of shock b) grind his teeth to stubs c) fall over for lack of balance or d) be so scarred that he'd have to go into intensive therapy. Or maybe the last one was for Haru.

After a few more minutes of this awkward position for the four, Yuki cautiously spoke up.

"U-Uncle Akito? Are you okay?"

Akito didn't say anything, just remained motionless. Yuki walked over to the two and pried Haru off, still sobbing. Which was a mistake because he then latched onto Yuki. But this isn't about Yuki, it is about Akito. Ahem.

Akito remained in his horrified pose/look which was really starting to freak everyone, save Haru again, out.

Kyou snapped his fingers.

"We have nothing to be afraid of! He's gone into shock, so we can do whatever we want! Nice job, Haru! You're useful after all!"

Haru sniffed and dried his eyes.

"I-I didn't m-mean to…"

He suddenly looked horrified.

"OH MY GOD, I KILLED UNCLE AKITO!"

Yuki sighed and scratched his head.

"No you di-"

But Haru wasn't listening.

"THEY'RE GONNA PUT ME IN JAIL FOR 45 YEARS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO LITTLE BOYS WHO GO TO JAIL? DON'T DROP THE SOAP! I WATCHED A DOCUMEANTARY ON IT! WHAT IF THEY EXECUTE ME WITH LETHAL INJECTION? I DON'T WANNA DIE! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, HONEST! DO THEY EVEN FEED YOU IN JAIL, I-"

"Haru."

"- WON'T SEE MY FAMILY EVER AGAIN UNTIL I'M 56! NO, 68! I'LL HAVE TO SHARE MY CELL WITH SOME MAN NAMED LARRY WHO MURDERED HIS WIFE AND KIDS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL SLACKING OFF-"

"Haru."

"- ACROSS FROM US WILL BE A BIG MAN NAMED JENNY! I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S NAMED JENNY, MAYBE HIS PARENTS WERE HIPPES OR SOMETHING, BUT HE'LL BE A TERRORIST AND TRY TO KILL ME! THEY MIGHT GIVE ME A TATTOO! WHAT IF-"

"Haru!"

"- EVERY FRIDAY WE'LL ALL PLAY CARDS AND WHOEVER LOSES HAS TO TAUNT THE SECURITY GUARD, WHICH YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO! WHAT IF I LOSE? I DON'T WANNA TAUNT A SECURITY GUARD! HE MIGHT-"

"HATSUHARU!" (smack)

Haru whimpered and sat on the ground. Yuki ground his teeth.

"You are not going to jail-"

Kyou snorted.

"Yeah, you're too young to go to jail. They'll put you in Juvenile Detention."

"OH MY GOD! THAT'S PROBABLY EVEN WORSE! THEY COULD-"

"Thanks, Kyou."

"No prob."

Yuki sighed again. Life is hard when you're the smart one of the family (A/N Not that I would know, lol).

"Uncle Akito, I- Uncle Akito? Uncle Akito? Where'd he go?"

That's right, Akito had disappeared. Haru's face went white.

"WHERE'D THE BODY GO!"

Ahahahahahaha, that was funny. I have plenty more ideas, so expect a quick update following this one. (rereads) This was a strange chapter. Then again all of them are… hm… oh, and the anime that was on last chappy was Full Metal Alchemist. Kudos to those of you that got it, hope you got your cookies! Oh, and extra three points if you visualized the slow mo and haru screaming at the top of his lungs.

Fifer-Chan


	6. Akito's 666 Conscience

I've been doing some thinking (GASP, I HOPE I'M NOT SICK!) and I come up with the following deduction: if life is like a bowl of cherries… then won't it be eaten and thrown away? I mean think about it… People say all the time that life is like a bowl of cherries, life is like a box of chocolates etc. Little do they know that what they are actually saying is that life is there for a short period of time until some PMSing women upset about her latest breakup eats it. (frowns) (looks at computer screen) I probably should do less thinking, eh? Give me your views on it though. It would be nice to know that some people appreciate my ailing mind. … What was I here for again? Ah, yes! The story!

Enjoy Chapter 6 of Uncle Shigure!

(End A/N)

Akito was feeling very smug. He had escaped into the bathroom, and using cunning skill and technology, had blocked the door as inconspicuously as he could. Using some toilet paper to stuff under the door crack.

He felt a little shaky and wobbly after having the cow touch him (**TOUCH HIM**, Akito, God of the World, mind you) and washed his hands in the sink.

"Those frickin' brats… who's idea was it to agree to do this anyway?"

He mentally blushed as he remembered.

"Oh, yeah… I did. Hehehe…"

He leaned against the door, frowning, and thought about his next plan of action. Obviously, he wasn't going to stay here forever. It would look strange: Shigure would come home, the kids would be screeching about his missing body, Shigure would open the bathroom door (but forced to do so slowly thanks to the technical T.P. stuffed under it… ingenious plan, Akito, ingenious.) and give him a look between pity, confusion, and uproarious amusement. Akito would go home feeling idiotic, paranoid, and crazy.

He realized, with grim satisfaction, that he was already two of those things he had listed (A/N/ I'll leave it to you which ones those are…).

On the other proverbial hand, he could go outside, smack the kids around a bit, and watch some T.V. Preferably Baywatch.

_It is so damn hard when you're this God-like, isn't it? No one could handle this job._

_**You mean the innocent task of taking care of a few children that respect and adore you?**_

Akito was jolted upright.

_When the hell did I get a conscience?_

_**Recently.**_

_Oh… well, I'm sorry, but your services won't be needed here. I am strictly "the glass is half empty."_

_**Would it kill you to be positive?**_

_Well, if that could happen, I would have done that a long time ago._

**STOP! THERE IS NO ANGST IN THIS STORY! IT IS HAPPY GO LUCKY! HAPPY GO LUCKY! NO ANGST, NO ANGST!**

**REWIND:**

_**Would it kill you to be positive?**_

_… it's against my religion?_

**MUCH BETTER.**

**_That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard…_**

_Well… no one asked you to be here, so… na._

_**Think of those poor innocent children, looking for you, calling you, pleading for you! Have you no shame? They're probably frantic!**_

_Frantic for your mom! OH!_

_**Technically, I'm you, so you're talking about your own mother.**_

_………… ewwwwwwwww………_

_**Why don't you try being nice to them?**_

_………Why?_

_**Because it would be the NICE thing to do?**_

_……… I'm not sure I'm following with this plan … again, why?_

_**Because it's what NICE babysitters do?**_

_………_

_**Because I know you have a bit of good in you.**_

****Akito tapped his fingers on his chin thoughtfully.

_I don't think we're on the same page here…_

_**Well, of course we aren't! I'm a conscience after all; my point is to argue with the Satan side! What do you want from me?**_

_No need to get defensive…_

_**Just get out there and at least acknowledge their presence.**_

_But I'm the one who usual gets acknowledged for his presence…_

_**Well, you'll have to share.**_

_No…_

_**And why not?**_

_You know the saying: Evil will always prevail because good…is just plain dumb._

_**I don't think that's much of a saying… I think someone just put it on an avatar with nifty lights and colors that caught your attention and you decided to start saying it.**_

_……… Yeah, well, shut up._

_**Just go.**_

_You sound annoyed._

_**You annoy me.**_

_But I am you, so basically I annoy myself, because I find myself annoying, and that would mean that by annoying myself, I'm frustrated WITH myself for annoying myself, and thus causing confusion to my already in-need-of-a-new brain, right?_

_**… sure, whatever.**_

****Akito was feeling quite proud of himself. He had managed to annoy himself, AND give in to himself. No one but God of the Zodiac could do that, and make it look so … EASY. No, no… E-Z. Yeah…

He did feel that his better half was right, and he should go and make sure the brats were okay, he grudgingly decided.

Sighing, he pulled at the bathroom door, cursing after forgetting about the wonderful toilet paper stuffed under it, pulled it all out, and stepped into the hallway.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YA DARN RAT!"

"SHUT UP, STUPID CAT, HOW IS IT MY ENTIRE FAULT?

Etc. Etc. Etc.

Mass amounts of yelling were coming from downstairs. Yuki and Kyou were fighting about whether or not Akito had left them or not, and things were starting to get ugly. Akito sighed and walked down the stairs, and into the kitchen as if nothing had happened at all.

The fighting ceased. Haru looked at him as if he had risen from the dead.

"ZOMBIE!"

He was about to run off, but Kyou grabbed his collar and jerked him back.

Akito smirked evilly and sat down at the table, putting his feet up, and picking his teeth leisurely.

"I have a joke for you, Haru."

AHH!

Haru looked up at him.

"Um, okay…"

"What did your father say to your mother when she was freaking out?"

"Um... I don't know…"

"He said… GOSH, DEAR! DON'T HAVE A COW!"

Akito laughed at his own joke, and after a minute or two a chuckle or two was heard from the kids.

Akito abruptly stopped laughing, the kids stopping too. He looked over at them, running his fingers over the table top almost boringly.

"So, what do you want to do?"

Yuki blinked.

_Okay, where has the real Akito gone? He must be crazier than I thought…_

Kyou narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

_Either he's been drugged or he's planning something… I can feel it…_

Haru looked around the kitchen.

_I wonder if I packed underwear… hmm … Oh, I did. Now I remember. Gosh, it's quiet. I wonder if Zombie Akito packs his underwear. He probably doesn't need underwear 'cause he's a Zombie and all, but if he did, that would be cool. I wonder what it's like to be a Zombie. To be dead, but not dead. That would be so awesome! Hmm, Kyou and Yuki sure look suspicious… Wonder what for…Ow, I have a wedgie!_

Ah, innocent bliss.

Akito looked at the trio.

"What, did you not hear me or something? WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. DO?"

Haru perked.

"HIDE AND SEEK!"

That chapter was better than I was expecting… Hmm… and no, I've decided not to do anymore thinking… my brain hurts… lol!

Hope you enjoyed!

The one and only,

Fifer-Chan


	7. Hide and Speak

**Cho, Fifer. Here. I'm in bold for the other author is here as well **

_Shocking no? and yes Liger Zero nightmare is finally present. _

**(claps) Anywhoozle, Today Akito will play Hide & Seek. Lovely, no? Enjoy.**

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- uh yes. Wonderful. DISCLAIMER! _

We don't own, blady blady blah… etc etc etc… yap yap… fizzle fizzle… BAM!

_**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-HAHA HAHA HA. (serious face) Come on, now.**_

_**End A/N**_

Haru jumped up, hit the wall next to the door ("I'm okay!"), and ran into the hall looking for a hiding place upstairs. Yuki followed with just as much speed, racing for the other end of the house. Kyou sighed, muttered something about "Stupid games" under his breath and trudged after his playmates.

Akito picked his teeth and sighed. Suddenly…

"AKITO, YOU HAVE TO COUNT!"

"What the he- Oh, right. Ahem… 1, 4, 7, 10, 90-"

"COUNT RIGHT!"

"Damn smart kids… 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8- Oooooo, look at that bird outside…."

Akito's bird obsession was quite distracting at times…

**1 hour and 23 minutes later…**

"Ah, I love birds. I'm getting the feeling that I should be doing something else though…."

Um, DUH.

"Oh yeah . . . . . hehe whoops."

Akito rose out of his chair, and then began to "search" the house. In truth he was just stomping around and randomly slamming doors. 45 minutes later, Akito grew bored of this antic and decided to actually search.

After another 5 minutes of searching, he found Yuki wedged between a cabinet and a wall. … obviously stuck…

Akito did the only thing he knew how to in a situation like this. He laughed hysterically and pointed at Yuki, making the poor boy feel even worse.

"YOU LOOK LIKE AN OVERSTUFFED PURPLE PANDA- AHAHAHAHA- TRYING TO GET SOMETHING- AHAHAHAHAHA- OUT OF A JAR! AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!"

Yuki frowned and grumbled.

"I've been waiting for like, 2 hours so that's why I'm stuck! I think my foot's gone numb…"

"… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Just help me, please?" Insert puppy dog eyes.

"Weeeell…. No."

**_Disgusting! Absolutely disgusting!_**

_Dammit, I thought you went away!_

**_I am your conscience and I will remain here until-_**

_Yap yap blah blah yap. Shut up. _

Yes, Akito was back. Back again. Yes he's back, tell a friend… FLEE!

**_How can you not help that poor innocent-_**

_Yes, he's back, yes he's back, yes he's back, yes he's back... dunana na na..._

_**Are you listening to me?**_

_Two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside…_

You knew you were insane when you didn't even listen to YOURSELF.

While Akito's inner battle resumed, Yuki was trying to un-wedge himself. All he managed to do was tangle himself in odder positions. After somehow landing upside down and sideways ( how he did that at the same time is a mystery to God himself . .

(Akito looks up.

"Wha?"

(A/N NOT YOU, AKITO!) and muttering under his breath, he finally just gave up.

"Life is a horrible road filled with many alleys, twists, turn, police officers, telemarketers, and sewage. If not for but the light of the sun and moon itself, those of which are weak inside would certainly perish a most gruesome, foreboding death. Heaven or hell, need be waiting, in all of its glory."

"…"

Yuki was definitely going to grow up an angsty, depressed kid…

"Well, that was… unexpected."

Yuki was limp between the cabinet and wall.

"Leave me to my own defense. I shall not suffer long…"

"How old are you, 5 now? And you know all of this poetic bull shit?"

"I'M NOT 5! I'M 7 ALMOST 8!"

"Whatever."

"Man, I'm hungry…"

Akito went to the kitchen, got some raw onions sitting on the counter, and came back to Yuki.

"W-what are you doing?"

Evil smile…

"Akito…"

Akito began purposely PEELING the onions underneath Yuki.

"STOP IT! THEY BURN MY EYES!"

"Handle it like a man, you wimp!"

Yuki's eyes watered.

"Stop!"

"Come on, you can eat them afterwards!"

"NO, JUST STOP IT!"

Akito smugly stopped peeling the onions.

"Have you seen the other brats?"

"No, I have not. (sniff)"

Akito sighed and walked into the kitchen placing the cut onions in Shigure's coat pocket.

"Now I'm hungry too… Let's see if Shigure has decent food in his fridge…"

Akito went to the fridge.

"Hm, hm… Let's see… AH!"

Scream, fall, HEART ATTACK!

Kyou beamed from inside the fridge.

"Yeah, I knew I was gonna scare somebody! I got you, Akito!"

Akito had his hand over his chest breathing heavily, eyes wide in terror.

**_It serves you right, you horrid person._**

_Oh, shut up, it scared you too!_

Kyou jumped out of the fridge, fist raised in the air triumphantly.

"Heck yeah! Alright!"

Akito gave him a death glare and sat up.

"Brat…"

He brushed himself off and stood.

SMACK!

Akito wrung out his hand, as Kyou sat on the ground and clutched his head.

"You're up to 2 smacks, Kyou. Better be careful. By number 3 I tend to get violent."

Like that wasn't violent? I wonder what Akito's definition of viloent is?

"Now only one more…"

Kyou followed grumbling behind Akito past Yuki who was still stuck (actually they had to stop long enough for Kyou to taunt Yuki, while he was immobile), and up the stairs.

Kyou cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Haru!"

Akito walked into each room, checking them. Finally deciding Haru wasn't upstairs, and had changed his hiding spot while they were teasing Yuki, they went downstairs. Yuki had managed to get himself un-stuck and was sitting on the steps, brooding.

Akito walked past the laundry room to get to the living room. He stopped, retraced his steps by about 3 and peeked in.

"Hi, uncle Akito!"

"Haru, what are you doing in the washer?"

"Uncle Shigure said I could hide in here, so I thought that since we were playing a hide and seek GAME that it'd be okay to hide in here."

Akito smirked and drew closer to the washer.

"Uncle Akito, what are you doing…?"

"Nothing…"

Beep.

"Uncle Akito… T-the water's coming in…"

"Uh huh…"

Click.

"Better set it for 20 minutes."

"Wha?"

The washer started spinning slowly.

"Uncle Akito…"

"Hmm?"

"M-make it stop."

Akito shrugged and picked his teeth.

"Sorry, I can't."

Haru was really spinning now, gurgling too from all of the water, and screaming his head off.

Akito was laughing so hard he had fallen to the floor, and Yuki and Kyou were fighting in the hallway.

And then the phone rang…

I'm sorry, but I had to do it! I apologize, but it was just so funny! R&R, please!


	8. Author's Note

Hello, everyone. I apologize, but this is only an author note:

Yesterday, I took a bad spill off of my horse, and almost broke my shoulder and collarbone. It takes a lot to type, so don't expect a fast update to my stories. Again, I'm very sorry about this. My arm's in a sling, so I'm using mostly my left hand and picking with my right. It's funny though, 'cause now I realize how much I depend on my right hand and arm. (laughs) Anyway, take care everybody, and don't worry about me. I'll be back to normal in no time.

Fifer


	9. Tester Sorry

Alright, I hate to disappoint you guys, but this is a test to see if wordpad is can remember stuff like my documents. As it says on my profile, my computer guy deleted microsoft word, and now I'm stuck with wordpad etc. (rolls eyes) If this works, expect updates very soon!


	10. Average Afternoon

WHOOT! I'M BACK! FEAR ME! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- ahahaha... ahaha... haaaaa... (sigh) Hello, everyone! I'm back, and feeling GRRRRRRR-EAT! Anywhoooooo, here's a chappie for ya patient people!

Disclaimer: Don't own, you know the drill...

Akito felt like he had things under way. He was Da MAN. No, no.. Da GAWD. Yeah...

Haru was still spinning in the washer, screaming at the top of his lungs, Yuki was brooding upstairs (Pft, like THAT was unusual), and Kyo ... was ... uh...

Akito cracked open an eye. Where was the little hellian- Uh ... precious little bundle of joy?

"Here, kitty kitty kitty... Here, kitty kitty kitt- Kitty?"

The front door was open. WIDE.

Like Akito cared. Pft, so what? One brat ran away, there were still two more. Right? RIGHT?

Right. Of course he was right. He was GAWD. GAWD was always right. ... right?

Akito sat up, and walked down the hall, passing the swirling boy in the washer. He went to the front door and took a peek outside.

_Little monster's probably under the porch or on the roof... hahahaha... Or maybe getting chased by a dog. .. hahahaha... serves him right._

For once, Good Conscience Akito stayed silent. Akito smirked. Again, he had managed to out-do, because he, and only he, could do that. After all, he was GAWD, remember?

He strode back into the house, cackling to himself.

"I'm so michieviously BRILLiant! No one could beat me in my wonderful, almost impossible plots! And further more-"

He continued, not noticing that the phone rang.

"-and as sexy as me? I mean, think about it-"

The phone went to answering machine. Akito was interrupted in his rant.

"Akito, this is Hatori. I'm sorry to say but I accidentally stopped the recording for X-Men Evolution because Oprah was on. Hope you can get over it. So, anyway, take care of the kids and remember to call if anything is up. Oh, and for dinner we're having your favorite: homemade mac and cheese. See you soon." (click)

Akito snarled furiously. His seemingly adult and GAWD-like rant had been undermined and interrupted by his doctor's inability to record a simple show. And that made Akito angry... Very very angry...

"Not only am I going to have to force down Hatori's homemade bull crap, but I don't have my show to watch WHILE I force down Hatori's homemade bull crap! GAH!"

He kicked a chair, and crossed his arms. Something was going to have to be done. Akito began to ponder many ideas on how he should "Take Care of This Seemingly Mindless Situation" not noticing that a certain whirring had stopped. He also did not hear the loud thump, and stomp of angry little wet feet sloshing down the hallway. He did, however, feel the sharp headbutt directed to his hip, and said angry little wet feet trying to squash his face flat. Yes, Black Haru had decided that the washer was no longer a fun place to hide, and had forcibly stopped it. Screaming could have been heard a mile down the street, had anyone bothered to listen, both from GAWD and Calf.

Yuki came downstairs to be confronted with a wet and angry Haru who stomped his way upstairs slamming the door, knocking an innocent picture off the wall. More screaming was heard upstairs, and the smash of something breakable and expensive. Yuki went into the kitchen. Akito was fishing around in a drawer looking for something LONG and SHARP.

"-will be hamburgers for all when I get through with that little devil, oh yes. Won't have to worry about world hunger anymore... hehehehe... hehehehehe... bwhahaha... I better be getting paid for this..."

Yuki turned right around and went upstairs into his own room.

1 Hour Later...

Akito had given up in his path of the Hamburger and was relaxing on the couch, listening to the news sleepily. Everything was peaceful and calm. No more screaming could be heard from upstairs, the phone had been disconnected and unplugged more than 15 minutes ago, there was food in the fridge, a That 70's Show marathon was starting in 14 minutes, and the kids were locked in their rooms- playing quietly by themselves.

Akito sighed blissfully.

"It doesn't get better than this..."

"And in other news, a small boy climbed a tree in the local neighborhood, and now can not get down. What do you think about that, Tom?"

"The poor thing. He must be scared to death."

"Yep, he keeps asking for his Uncle..."

Akito cracked open an eye.

The news people laughed.

"Let's hope this kid has 9 lives!"

Akito groaned.

"Shit..."

Ha... Poor Kyo-Kun... R&R, please!

Fifer


	11. Do You Know Where Your Cat Is?

... (flinches from blows she knows are going to come) I apologize, but things have been stressful lately!! Uh, please don't kill me!! XD Hi everybody! Sorry for my unexcusable absence!! In truth, I'm the laziest person on the planet... Plus, my creative juices weren't flowing for a while. I'm not really into Fruits Basket anymore, but I still enjoy writing this story, so don't worry!! Be on the look at for numbers in parentheses like (1). I have some author notes from where I thought or got them! Let the show begin!

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't own... yadda yadda...

_Of all the rotten things to happen today, this is by far, the most idiotic, stupid, and HORRID thing! I can't believe stuff like this happens to me!!! No, never anyone else... It's always Akito, Akito, Akito..._

As guessed, Akito wasn't too thrilled to walk down to the place where the fire department was gathered and pedestrians talked among themselves about the helpless orange haired boy stuck in a tree. Akito had made a beeline for the place (well, okay that was only half true, for he had stopped to get an awesome shirt that said "I'm da Gawd" ((thanx for that one DesirePassion)), then had gotten a mocha) hoping that there wouldn't be TOO many people, as he wasn't a people person obviously. But, unfortunately, Akito didn't get out much, because if he had, he would have known that it is only human nature to swarm and gossip when others are helpless. For instance, when you are driving along the highway, and suddenly traffic starts and you're moving ever so slowly along the lane, and when you come to the point you can see the police and the ambulance, you know something has happened. Your external, verbal opinions are something akin to, "Move you (explicit deleted)! I (explicit deleted) have to (explicit deleted) get going here, you (explicit delelted)! Learn how to (explicit deleted) drive, you (explicit deleted)! Can you believe this (explicit deleted)!?" But, your internal thoughts are more, "MOVE OUT OF THE (explicit deleted) WAY, I WANNA (explicit deleted) SEE!" Nonetheless, though you yell and scream at others to move, when you approach the scene, you stop and gawk like everyone else. Sometimes, you throw in your two cents, not really talking to anyone in particular. "I would put some ice on that." "Ooo, he should go to the hospital..." "Back in my day, we didn't have fancy blood machines!" And you find yourself the new hold up, with other people yelling, "Move you (explicit deleted)! I (explicit deleted) have to (explicit deleted) get going here, you (explicit delelted)! Learn how to (explicit deleted) drive, you (explicit deleted)! Can you believe this (explicit deleted)!?" But you just know they're going to stop and gawk when they get up here too. So, in a sort of twisted way, deja vu and irony occurs in the driving lane. But, alas as said before, Akito didn't get out much, so he didn't know any of this like you and I do.

Akito elbowed his way to the front of the crowd. A police officer with a mega phone was talking soothingly to Kyo, trying to calm the poor kid down.

"It's alright, son."

"Excuse me, but-"

"Kid, do you know this child?"

"First off, it's GAWD to you, and yes, unfortunately I do. May I borrow this for a second?" Akito asked, pointing at the megaphone.

"Um, sure. He's really freaked out right now, so I'm sure the voice of a friend will help."

"Yeah, whatever."

Akito took the megaphone, and started talking into it.

"HI KYO! IT'S AKITO! I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW YOU LOOK LIKE A RIGHT LOSER UP THERE, AND IF YOU PLAN ON LIVING UP THERE I HAVE NO OBJECTION WHATSOEVER! BUT, IN CASE YOU DO FALL, I HEARD THAT CATS LAND ON THEIR FEET! ... WELL, MOST OF THE TIME! IF YOU DON'T, THAT'S OKAY TOO! SO, UM, I'M GONNA GO NOW! AND IF IN FACT YOU DO GET DOWN BY SOME MIRACULOUS TWIST OF FATE, WE'LL BE WAITING AT HOME! OKAY, BYE!"

Akito handed the megaphone back to the police officer.

"Thanks, I owe you one." He walked off. There was a new Nintendo DS Lite, and seeing as he had Hatori's wallet, it had his name all over it...

SOME TIME LATER...

Aktio whistled as he walked through the door. Again, it was quiet, but this time it was suspiciously so...

**_Shame on you, Akito Sohma! Shame!_**

_Oh, great..._

_**Leaving poor little Kyo stuck in a tree like that! Shame!**_

_He's a CAT! They come down! ... eventually!_

_**Of all the dumbass things you've done, this REALLY takes the dumb ass cake! (1)**_

_I get cake too?! Cool!_

Akito sat down on the couch, the inner battle raging within.

**_You could make an effort to help for once!_**

_I wasn't under the impression that anyone needed help, Good Conscience._

_**YOU DUMB ASS! KYO! STUCK! IN A TREE!?!?**_

_Oh, him? Pffft, he'll be fine._

_**You are the most heartless-**_

_**Ah ah ah, not now. Star Gate is on...**_

Yes, Akito fancied Star Gate. Something about people in space fascinated him...

A LITTLE WHILE LATER...

"And in other news, that poor child is still stuck in a tree."

"Wow, Tom this is most unfortunate. Where are his parents?"

Akito snickered.

"Tom... What an un-Japanese like name... Tom..."

There was the patter of feet, a gasp, then a whirlwind of fury that hit Akito full force. Haru had been watching the telelvision from the stairs and, in a rare stroke of genius for his young mind, had seen Kyo stuck in a tree, had seen the lazy Akito laughing on the couch, put two and two together, and had come up with the deduction that Kyo was in trouble, and Akito was doing nothing.

"UNCLE AKITO, HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE WHILE KYO IS STUCK IN A TREE!?!?!?"

"OWW!! OW!"

"WHY WON'T YOU GO AND SAVE HIM!?!? HE'S IN TROUBLE!!"

"OWW! GET OFF ME- OW!"

"UNCLE AKITO, GO SAVE KYO!! HE'S IN TROUBLE, HE'S IN TROUBLE!!!"

"OKAY, OKAY- OW! GET OFF!"

"GO!! GO AND SAVE HIM!"

Akito was unceremoniously dumped from the couch, and stepped on by little feet until he got up.

"HAMBURGERS!!! HAMBURGERS FOR ALL WHEN I GET BACK!!" He shouted waving his fist, while exiting the door.

Haru watched him leave, hearing the click of the door, then, satisfied with his work, sat down to watch some well deserved Discovery Channel on Dairy Products.

(1) Is from That 70's Show where Red yells at Eric. "Of all the dumb ass things you've done this takes the dumb ass cake!!" Good show, good show...

Anywho, that's all for now! Hope you enjoy! i'll TRY to keep up with my updating... I promise!

Fifer


	12. Aftermath & Flashbacks

Hey All!!! Liger Zero Nightmare here, updating while Master Fifer is in Texas. And that means longer chapters. She does have access to a computer there, so lets all review and scare her with a massive amount of emails. (Cackles evilly)

Disclaimer ; Liger Zero Nightmare and Master Fifer do not own Fruits Basket , or anything else mentioned. If they did, ...we'd all be living in chaos.

Aktio trudged down the street, growling.

**I cannot believe you had to be PERSUADED to come rescue your poor cousin?!**

_Good God-er Good me!!! would you LEAVE ME ALONE!_!

**No seeing as every time I leave you do something BAD-**

_Go away!!_

**-you're a TERRIBLE person-**

_Stay away from me!!!!!_

**Oh stop imitating Dane Cook!**

_Oh so you're not a Dane Cook fan!? I KNEW there was a reason why you were so uptight!_

**I am not uptight!**

_Suuuuureee you r not you too good clean doesn't lie person!_

**... is that suppose to be an insult?**

Akito was now screaming out loud as he fought with his conscience. He wasn't really paying attention to where he was going, which is why he had gone around the block where Kyo was stuck in a tree three times. Every time he walked past the multitude of news reporters and cameras, they would stop and stare, watching as the ranting teen screamed at nothing about how it was a "goody two shoes"

" STUPID CONSCIENCE STOP BUGGING ME!!"

This was the short of thing that lead into the following ;

" Momiji stop jumping around your going to scare Akito's new bird."

" ohhh ok!"

" STOP IT!!!! STOP-"

SMASH!!!

" WHAT THE HELL!!!???!!!"

"OWWWWW!!"

" UFF!!"

" _SQUAK_!"

Akito had in fact, so busy fighting with himself he had failed to notice Momiji and Hatori, who had gone out to buy Akito a new Polly. ( Polly the 79th to be exact) Hatori rose to his feet, as Momiji jumped up.

" HIIIII UNCLE AKITO!!!!!"

" thats uncle GAWD to you, squirt."

Hatori sighed, then collected the screeching bird and its cage. " Akito, I thought you where watching your cousins?"

" Yeah, but then the orange one ran away-"

"OHHH!! I wanna be babysat by Uncle Akito!"

Akito barely opened his mouth to replay that the term "babysat" had a whole different meaning to him when Hatori cut him off.

" Who ran away, Akito?"

" Fat cat."

Hatori and Momiji blinked in usion. Hatori frowned, then sighed and rubbed his head after a moment.

" Kyo's missing?" He concluded.

Akito gave him the DUH stare.

Momiji took that moment to point down the street to where the Fire Officers and Police men where.

" He's not lost!" Momiji stated excitedly, jumping up and down while pointing. " He's right there! In that tree!! With all those people around him!!!!!"

Hatori sighed and closed his eyes. " And why is Kyo in a tree?"

"Weelllll, the idiot was stupid enough to climbed up there and is now too scared to come down. Oh hey you finally got me another bird? Took you long enough!"

Momiji had run off while the two "adults" where talking. Dodging Cameras, reporters and the squad of Fire men/ Police men, he made it up to the base of the tree. craning his head back so he could look at Kyo, Momiji started talking to the cat.

" Watcha doin up there Kyo?"

" _Hiiiiissss!!_"

" Are ya stuck up there Kyo?"

" I WANT UNCLE SHIGURA!!!"

" Bu he wents away!"

Kyo let out a loud wailing sob that made several onlookers heart wrench, but completely unfazed Momiji.

" whats that mean?"

A fire men walked up to momiji and put a hand on his shoulder.

" See?" He told Kyo. " Your friend down here wants you down too! Just reach out to the man on the Cherry Picker, that big ladder over there, ok?"

" NOOOOOO!!!"

The Fireman sighed. They had gone in circles for two hours, trying to get the kid out of the tree.

Momiji turned his attention away form Kyo the minute the Fire man had showed up.

" Wow mister, are you a real Fire man!?"

The fire man blinked then nodded.

" Why yes I a-"

" Oh cool!!" Momiji yelled cutting off, the fireman. " I always wanted ta be a fire man but uncle Akito said fire mans weren't good for anythin but strip..strop...stripping! Is that true mister Fire man??"

The Fire man froze. He had been trained to save people from fires, run into burning buildings and calm any sobbing deranged human, but had never EVER encountered a 4 year old asking him if he was a stripper. Somehow, he doubted it'd be in the manual ether. Thus he could only gape in surprise, his mouth opening and closing every once in a while.

Momiji watched him do this, tipping his head to the side.

" Mister Fire man you look like a fish when you do that! Are you a fish Fire man!!!???"

" er...I ...eh..."

"Ok mister Fire man!"

Momiji returned his attention back to Kyo, who was inching back and forth across the tree, avoiding the Firemen in the Cherry Picker.

It was then that Hatori and Akito showed up.

" Do I_ have_ to!!" Akito whined as he shoved his way threw to the front of the tree.

Through the apologies to the people that Akito had rudely shoved, Hatori managed a " Yes."

Akito groaned.

**Ha ha you got told! **

" Shut up you!" Akito told his conscience gruffly, then walked over to the tree. He shoved Momiji out of the way, and told the Fire man to move.

" CLEAR!!!!" He yelled.

And then he kicked the tree.

Kyo let out a scream as the tree shook. Finally, after Akito had kicked it a couple of times ( and before any one could get to him to tell him to stop) the branch Kyo was on broke. The cat plummeted to the ground, screaming.

Luckily, the fireman Momiji had questioned had recovered and was there to catch him.

ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER

" Hatori!!!! I'm bored!!!!!"

Hatori sighed, and refrained from strangling his relative. After they had gotten home, Akito had jumping onto the couch turned on the T.V., leaving Hatori to deal with a panicked Haru, a crying Kyo, A was-sleeping-but-was-awakened-by-the-commotion-and-is-now-grumpy-Yuki, and a hyper active Momiji.

" Why don't you help me?" Hatori asked as he balanced a tray of food and juice cups over to the table where the kids sat.

" uh, NO! I want to do something FUN not babysit a bunch of screaming brats!"

Hatori came very close to growling when Akito's words reached the kids ears. All of them looked like they where going to cry AGAIN, something Hatori was not sure he could handle. Comforting the kids took a moment, but a moment was all Akito needed. One of his plans popped into his head after a certain few commercials.

" Hey Hatori!!!" He yelled. " Why don't we go camping!!!"

Hatori turned to look at him.

" Remember the LAST time we went camping?"

"No."

FLASHBACK

Akito was in the mood for an adventure! Something exciting, and fun!

Which was how the entire Zodiac found themselves stuck in the middle of nowhere - camping. The Sohma family happened to own a lake, of which, Aktio was currently in the middle of , on an air mattress. He was swinging around a paddle, pointing at random objects and creatures. Screaming.

" I rule you all!!!! I OWN you all!!!!!"

Akito cackled crazily, swinging the paddle in random directions.

" You! Yeah you! I own you!!!! I am your MASTER!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The bird Akito's paddle was swinging at gave a started "_ Squak_!" and flapped off.

" That's right, run you dinner with wings!!!! I own you!" Akito swung the paddle so that it pointed to a rock.

" And you!!!" Same thing only with a tree,

" And you!! Fish.

" And you, yeah you, YOU DUMBASS CRETIN!!!!" That one was a boat. Akito continued this until he slammed the end of his paddle into the air mattress he was standing on. It gave off an angered " _hisssssss_" and began shrinking like Kyo does when he sees leaks. Had this happened to anyone else, they would have jumped off and swam for shore. But this was Akito. A power crazed drunk Akito.

" And you!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And you , STUPID!!!!!!! Yeah I'm pointing to YOU, YOU OVERSTUFFED PIG!!!!!!! -"

Kagura sniffled dangerously then preceded to beat up Kyo because she was upset.

"- And you, and you, and you!!!!! And ESPECIALLY YOU!!!! And you!!! And you!!!!! Andblub- blublbublbulblbubblub ...blub . . . . . . . . blub . . . . . . . . . . blub . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .blub.

Shigure sighed. He looked at the pile of popped mattresses at his feet then looked up at Hatori.

" Your turn."

Hatori sighed, put his book down, and dove into the lake to retrieve the drowning Head of house. For the fifth time. See, some idiot -coughcoughAYAME- offered Akito some Bud Light. Now being the innocent, naive little 12 year old that he was, Akito immediately knew the drink was alcohol and downed another 10 glasses. Hence, why the older members of the Zodiac where taking turns saving him from drowning. The younger Zodiac's - Yuki, Kyo, Haru, Kagura, Momiji, Ritsu - a very panicked and in a tree Ritsu- Rin, Kureno, Kisa and Hiro had figured out by Akito's second glass of Bud Light to stay as far away as possible. Since the trip had been last minute, almost no toys had been packed, so the kids where bored. And we all know what happens when little children are bored. That's right. They where playing a kidish version of unsupervised Truth or Dare. Currently, Kureno was doing the chicken dance, Momiji was singing " Little bunny fu-fu" repeatedly, Rin was galloping in a circle on all four legs ( and throwing in a whinny every once in a while), Kagura was rolling in the mud, Yuki was downing a whole lot of cheese and running from any bird he saw ( double dare) Haru was Mooing constantly, and Kyo was trying to catch a bird, then eat it ( double dare returned.) Kisa and Hiro - being all but babies at the time- where sleeping. And occasionally puking and spitting. And Ritsu . . . well no one could manage to get him down from the tree. Shigure glanced around at the sight before him and came to a decision .

" May who ever invented camping be cursed into the 15th pit of hell." Shigure then sighed, and stood up to fix everything. By himself, seeing as Hatori was still carrying a delusional, power mad, drunk, and full of water Akito and Ayame was being . . . Ayame.

" Do you remember now?"

Hatori glared pointedly in Akito's direction. Akito laughed, then faked a look of innocent when Hatori glared at him.

" ummm no?"

"Uh-huh."

Aktio pouted, but when he found Hatori was refusing to go camping, he switched to a different topic.

" Well, how about we go back to the mall. The kids can play in that plaything they have there! It'll be perfect!"

" I have to be back in my office in half an hour."

" Well, then I'll take them!!"

Hatori's looked couldn't be classified, it was a mixture of so many things.

" Akito." He said slowly " Do you remember the last time I let you handle anyone under five by yourself."

Akito rolled his eyes. " Ok one got stuck in a tree, but COME ON! The kids a problem child!"

Hatori breathed in, then out.

" Before today."

Akito frowned. " No. When have gone near the brats before today?"

FLASHBACK

" Hey uncle Hatori-OH MY ME WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!"

Hatori sighed, then continued to rock a baby Kisa in his arms. HE glared at the House head, who had barely turned ten.

" Akito , please refrain form swearing in front of-"

" Don't care." Akito slowly approached Kisa, eyeing her as if she where a piece of clothing.

" It's ugly." He decided after a moment. " Send it back."

Hatori closed his eyes and summoned his patience. Good thing he had so much of it.

" We cant return her, Akito. This is your new cousin, Kisa."

Akito growled " another one!" under his breath but came closer anyways. He suddenly looked up at Hatori.

" Can I hold her?"

While all of Hatori's instincts screamed NO!!! at the request, Hatori handed Akito the baby.

' After all' he told himself ' this is the first time Akito's shown any interest in the other kids...besides what could he do?'

" EWW IT SPIT ON ME!!"

"AKITO NO-"

CRASH!!!!

Hatori immediately picked up the now screaming Kisa from off the floor. Akito wiped his hands on his pants, looking disgusted.

" AKITO!" Hatori yelled, checking Kisa's head.

" What!!?? It SPIT on me!!! Keep it away form me its DISGUSTING!!!" Akito turned on his heel and left.

Hatori would have attempted to strangle him had he not have to take care of Kisa.

UNFLASHBACK

" I knew the kid couldn't have THAT many problems without some reason!!" Akito mused.

" You dropped her on her head!"

" Yeah I shoulda punted her to North America too." Akito nodded, then whipped out his To-Do list.

'Punt Kisa to North America next time you see her.' He wrote, then closed the mini notebook with a SMACK.

" AKito, you cant go anywhere, its almost the kids naptime."

"WHAT!!!" AKito hollered. " I STILL have to watch the brat brigade!!"

" Yes." Hatori gave him a pointed stare. " It's your job until Shigure comes back. Lets just hope it's soon." The last part was muttered darkly.

LZN : see? LONG Chapter. Now, for that Holiday special... R&R ppl!!!


	13. Santa Wars!

LIGER ZERO NIGHTMARE AND MASTER FIFER ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE FIRST UNCLE SHIGURE SUPER SPECIAL!!!

Disclaimer : don't own, don't sue, Have a Happy Holiday cookie. (throws cookies)

This story DOES NOT fall into the Uncle Shigure plot line.

UNCLE SHIGURE SUPER SPECIAL # 1 : SANTA WARS

( Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn!)

Ahhh Christmas. The only time of year, when cheer, joy and a multitude of colored lights were everywhere.

Including the main Sohma house. It was fully decorated, Christmas lights and all. On the inside, holly, reefs and a giant tree in the massive living room lay, spreading the holiday cheer.

" Uncle Shigure, why is there a red X on the floor?"

Shigure sighed, standing up from helping Hatori put Christmas presents under the tree. He looked at a questioning Momiji.

" What X?" Shigure asked.

" That one." Momiji pointed to the front of the fireplace, where there was ,indeed, a giant red X.

Shigure sighed.

" Hatori, Ayame, Akito's at it again!"

" Oh yeah.." Akito laughed, hiding behind the couch with a piece of sting in his hands. " I'll get you this time, Santa!"

You see, Akito had a bit of a "problem" with dear old St. Nick. Not only was the man, fat, jolly, and spreading good cheer, but he had given Akito coal for the past five years. NO ONE gave Akito coal. The first time, Akito had simply sent Santa a nice letter, stating if he ever did it again, Akito would shoot him and his fat ass out of the sky. When Santa had given him coal the next year, Akito took action. He put up a ton of traps each year, in attempts to catch and teach Santa a lesson.

Hatori and Ayame, came over, looking at the red X. Hatori had to stop Momiji from touching it, knowing the result would NOT be fun. The three "adults" looked up, and groaned.

" How did he get the chandelier up there?" Ayame wondered out loud. Hatori and Shigure shrugged.

"Come on. Lets get it down before someone steps on it."

Akito walked around the corner, cursing.

' They'll regret doing that.' He muttered angrily.

" Merry Christmas Akito!" One of the Sohma's many relatives called.

" Merry Death!" Akito called back.

Akito's relative blinked.

Akito walked through the dinning room next, the next day feast ( the ones that didn't have to be heated) lay on the table, covered in foil and paper towels. Akito snagged a cookie, "accidently" knocked glasses on the floor, and tried to bring down as much cheer as he could.

"Happy Holidays, Akito!"

" I hope you die!"

As Akito entered the Kitchen, he didn't even bother to wait for the people cooking to greet him.

" Have a merry death, may you die, curse you, curse you."

The people, used to Akito's antics, ignored him. One even offered him a cookie.

Akito glared at the gingerbread man.

" Get it away from me." He state, glaring. " it has HIS mark on it!"

AKito stalked out of the room, glaring at anyone and everyone he could.

" His mark?" the astonished relative asked.

" Yeah" said another one. " He doesn't like Santa Claus."

The first relative gave a disbelieving stare as another one joined in.

" It was worse last year. They took Akito to the mall to see Santa."

"Yikes!"

The third Relative nodded. " He lead a rebellion after tackling "Santa" and unmasking him as one of ' His demonic minions.'"

" Ouch."

Akito , began setting his next trap, oblivious to the chatter. He carefully unstrung wire, and looped it around the tree. Attaching the other end of the wire at the fireplace, so that when St. Nick stepped out of it, he'd trip the wire and the tree would fall on him.

But Akito was far form done.

No he wanted to make sure Santa never crossed him again. EVER.

" I refuse to allow that Jolly bastard and his red nosed freak reindeer to get the better of me this year!" Akito vowed as the strung Christmas lights all over the place. When he was done, he looped a strand of lights over a hook, and hauled up the metal cage attached to it.

" And I know your weakness too!" Akito laughed evilly ( well as easily as a child could) while weaving through his traps, carrying a plate of cookies and milk. He set it down on the coffee table, the tied a strand of lights on the glass milk, and taped another strand to the bottom of the plate.

The plan was that Santa would be so distracted and impressed by the Christmas lights, he wouldn't notice the cage. That is, he wouldn't notice it until he drank the milk and it fell on his head.

Akito let out another evil laugh, then moved to set up his base.

Akito's base , located at the top of the stairs, gave Akito a perfect view of the tree. Made out of a mess of pillows and blankets, Akito barricaded the whole top of the stairs with a wall of pillows. From lots of holes, he could fire his paint ball gun at Santa should the fat man breech his traps. This is where Akito slept every Christmas. He always fell asleep.

EARLY THE NEXT MOURNING

Hatori and Shigure crept down the hall. Shigure nearly fell on Akito , Freezing when he stepped on a pillow.

Hatori put his finger to his lips and glared. Shigure gave a sheepish smile. Hatori rolled his eyes, then maneuvered around the fort. Shigure following.

Hatori barely suppressed a groan when he say the living room. It was a mess of Christmas lights, water balloons, wires, and...a rat cage?

Shigure looked up at the small cage dangling from the ceiling in wonder. Where had Akito found a rat cage? Shigure traded looks with Hatori. Both began removing the traps, careful not to set one off. As soon as that was done ( it took a good hour, which was why the two where up so early) they began filling the kids stockings.

AKito woke up the next mourning when Haru ran into his fort. The small cow bounced off it with an "uff!"

" outta my fort, Cheese maker!" Akito shouted, pissed at being woken up so early.

" It's ch wsimas unwlce Akito!" Yuki protested.

" uncle GAWD! Pronounce it right-CHRISTMAS!!! YESSS!!!!"

Akito charged down the stairs, bowling over his pillow wall. He barely registered the fact that his traps were gone, instead running straight to his stocking. He grabbed it and dumped it out.

Small black rocks spilled forth, along with a note.

Try again, Akito.

" CURSE YOU JOLLY FAT MAN!!!" Screeched Akito after reading the note. " CURSE YOU AND YOUR REINDEER REJECT TOO!!!!!!!!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!


	14. STOP In the Name of Gawd!

Many thanks to Liger Zero Nightmare for the last 2 chappies, eh!? (applauds) Anyway, I'm back from Texas!! ... Which was like, five months ago...

Akito was especially bored. Hatori had just left, the kids were running around screaming, and no word from Shigure.

"What does he DO!? He doesn't even have a job! And if he does, he doesn't do it properly! That's the problem with people today! They have jobs, but they aren't doing them right! As Gawd I feel it is my duty to tell everyone this! Right? RIGHT!?"

Haru looked at Akito in confusion.

"I have a job."

"Yeah, as a basic factor for McDonald's burgers."

"No..."

"Then what?"

Haru puffed out his chest proudly.

"I'm a poolice officer." (pronounced poo-lice as in mice)

Akito stared at the calf.

"A poolice?"

"Yes, a poolice."

Akito continued to stare at the young cow.

"Congratulations, Haru. You have just made me feel even worse about the genes in this family."

"I wear jeans," Momiji put in helpfully.

"Never mind."

Akito rubbed his temples. Look at this! I'm twelve and I'm already starting to get migraines... He opened his eyes, making a mental decision. He had to entertain the kids somehow, and he was bored in the house. There was always one place you could go when you were too lazy to take a walk, too bored to stay home, and had screaming children.

THE MOVIE THEATER!

"Alright, brats listen up. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me. Now, don't get all hyperactive when I say this. We're going to the movie theater-"

"OOH, I WANNA SEE DREAMGIRLS!"

"NO, I WANNA SEE SHREK THE THIRD!!!"

"NOO, CARE BEARS!! CARE BEARS!!"

"NO, THOSE MOVIES SUCK, LET'S SEE THE NEW HARRY POTTER!"

"IDIOT, THAT'S NOT OUT YET!"

"DREAMGIRLS, DREAMGIRLS!"

"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM! NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM!"

"I WANT CARE BEARS!"

Akito ground his teeth angrily. _What have I done...?_

"ALRIGHT, SHUT UP!" Silence. The kids stared fearfully at Akito.

"I never said YOU could pick the movie, all I said was that we were GOING to the movie theater! Hell, I might just take you there and come back home!"

There was a pregnant pause as the kids thought this through. Akito turned abruptly on his heel, walking out the front door.

"Well, are you coming?" The kids obeyed.

Haru walked next to Yuki.

"Yuki, will you hold my hand?"

"No, Haru, hold Momiji's hand."

Kyo made a smirking face.

"Ha, _I _don't have to hold anybody's hand."

Momiji smiled, holding Kyo's hand.

"I'll hold your hand, Kyo-kun!"

The cat growled angrily under his breath as Momiji gleefully held his and Haru's hand, swinging them back and forth making Yuki look like an outcast in the Hand Holding club. Akito walked a few feet ahead, making sure that everyone who viewed them on the street would think that he was being followed by a quad of neighborhood children too lazy to do things that little children should be doing on sunny Saturdays.

"If you brats don't hurry up, I'll hitch a ride home and leave you behind."

Footsteps increased at the threat. Akito smirked happily, feeling powerful. If only the rest of the house would listen like these brats. Akito came to a loud, bright stop sign, reading as it had done so for years, STOP. Akito grew angry.

"Like I'm supposed to listen to some stupid red sign! It doesn't control my life! Well, STOP sign, we'll see who the bigger man is when I cross the street without-"

Kyo interrupted.

"I think that's for the cars, Uncle Akito. So they don't run over-"

SMACK!

Akito blew on his hand coolly, as Kyo (once again) clutched his head in pain.

"That's three, Kyo. See me after the movie so I can give you your prize for your insolence." Yuki snickered unhelpfully behind Kyo, who whirled around angrily raising a fist threateningly, getting an angry don't-you-do-that stare from Haru, making Momiji whimper with fright. It was a vicious circle...

Akito ignored the silent chaos behind him, focusing on the road. He glared angrily at the cars that went by, willing them to stop and let him cross. Regardless of seeing his glare or not, they were being very disobedient.

"FAT ASS TOYOTA! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO PEDESTRIAN'S RIGHT OF WAY!?" He yelled after a blue Toyota which had zipped by.

"DUMB SHIT CHRYSTLER!"

The abuse went on.

"CRAPPY HONDA!"

The kids, following Akito's role-model like greatness also yelled at cars.

"Stwupid Voltswagon!" Haru yelled, shaking a tiny fist.

"DUMB ASS RAM! YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF METAL!" Kyo, for the first time today, was enjoying his time with his family.

"That's not nice, Mr. Van!" Momjiji called gently to a black van full of similar squealing children. And Yuki again looked like an outcast and brought the mood down by standing silently next to the stop sign and looking bored and blank. He surveyed the scene sullenly, then looked on a nearby street sign. As the rest of the gang hurled abuse at passing cars, Yuki walked up to sign and pressed the tiny button located under the walking man picture.

The sign on the other side of the crosswalk went from demanding orange palm to happy silver walking man. Ignoring his still yelling family, Yuki Sohma crossed the street feeling like a free man.

Until Momiji noticed that he was leaving and the rest of the gang followed, Akito slapping him back to the end of the line like an alpha wolf maintaining its role of pack leader. Then he went back to being Yuki.

I APOLOGIZE for my five month absence... cries I HAD NO INSPIRATION! Expect regular updates now!

Fifer-chan!


	15. Chapter 15

It feels good to be back in the saddle again. I'm very ashamed to say that I almost forgot about this story! Bad Fifer... Anywho, I got a wonderful idea from **Mrs. Alichay Sohma** about the next few chapters. Thank her profusely, because I would have been lost without it... Hehehe...

Akito stood, glaring moodily at a street sign. The kids, who were now sucking on lollipops thanks to Momiji's unsustainable tantrum in front of the candy store, watched him with a variety of emotion each enjoying their artificial treat. Kyo, red lollipop all over his mouth and shirt, gnawed and ground his pop into oblivion with young teeth, not really caring if Akito was dead or alive at the moment. Momiji hummed sweetly, watching some birds that were flapping overhead, and sucking his lollipop only with the innocence a young child can muster. Haru had dribbled his all over his clothes, pants, and hair making it now look like some multi-colored wig of green, white, and black. And Yuki had his lollipop in his pocket, refusing to eat it even after Akito threatened his life with a rope of licorice.

Akito growled angrily, shaking the sign back and forth.

"I don't get it! Hatori takes me here all the time and it's always right here! You can't move a theater! It takes days, maybe even months! And surely it would be in the paper or on the TV!" He kicked the sign for good measure, grumbling to himself. Momiji, sucking happily on his lollipop, pointed at Akito with a big babyish grin. Akito snarled.

"What?"

Momiji kept pointing and smiling, now starting to giggle a little. Akito walked over to him, posture stiff and angry.

"You think this is funny?" Momiji giggled in response, still pointing and sucking.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Akito rose his hand to smack the young blonde boy across his cherubic cheeks (on the face, people. Let's keep it PG) when he looked up into the reflection of a clean car. He turned around, seeing if the reflection was tricking him in any way.

It wasn't.

The theater was directly behind him. A little miffed that his ranting had been wasted by his own error, Akito moodily herded the kids over to some benches so they could decide which movie they were going to see.

"Okay, brats," he began, as they lined up on the bench, some gazing with wonder, amusement, or a mixture of both. "We are going to see ONE and only ONE movie and we have to decide NOW. I've narrowed it down to three main movies. Shrek the Third, Spiderman Three, or Disturbia."

Haru raised his hand, still sucking on his lollipop.

"What, Meat Patty?"

"I thought that Distwu- Distur- Dist- Di-"

"DISTURBIA!" Akito growled.

"Yeah, that. I thought that was inappro- in- inapro-"

Akito sighed, putting his head in his hand. All of this anxiety would be hell on his complexion.

"FINE," he said, sounding annoyed. "We won't see Disturbia. So, narrow it down. Shrek the Third or Spiderman Three. And be happy that I'm letting you choose, because if I was going to have my way, we would be seeing The Hills Have Eyes 2."

I'm sorry it's so short, but I have to go to bed! XD! i'll update a good one tomorrow or Wednesday. And only nineteen more days of school left and then SUMMER! WH00T! Then they'll be a lot of updates!

Reviews and love are always welcomed!

Fifer-chan


	16. Operation: Theater

Hello, my gracious, wonderful, so-very loved fans! Did I mention I love you all, so you should not impale my body for not updating in oh so long with a rusty katana?

(crickets)

Yeah, touche, I get your point. Hi, everyone! Master Fifer is now officially a high schooler! Hell yes! I don't plan on making a musical anytime soon, so sorry for you Zack Methron lovers (that is his name, isn't it? Methron?). Anyways, I had a disturbingly long period of time where I was lacking anything to write for poor Akito... It must have made him quite sad... But, while fretting over a German paper one night, it came to me.

I would write a chapter- no, THE chapter! The chapter that would make fans swoon and bring them to tears! A chapter so perfect, so beautiful, I could win a medal for it! I knew if I was to complete it and get that metal, I would have to start right away! I dashed quickly to my computer, turned on Wordpad AND...

Stared blankly at the screen for three hours, shut off the computer, and went to bed for I was quite tired.

A tragic end for a determined author...

Luckily, after debating over the situation for five weeks, I came to the conclusion that I'd seen and heard enough to be able to write some more Akito stuff. And here I am, happy and content.

I can only hope that you are as well! Just remember, I'm not perfect, so if you have any ideas or suggestions please send them my way! I won't keep you waiting, here is the sixteenth chapter!

* * *

**Operation: Theater**

Ironically, sitting on a bench outside of a movie theater for an hour listening to your cousins argue about which movie they want to see makes one who's going to die anyway feel a little more dead on the inside. Akito felt a vein throb in his forehead as Kyo yelled at a near-tears Momiji about why Spiderman would whoop Shrek's ass.

"He's a dumb green Ogre! And besides, he's not even real," the cat announced with an audible air of victory. "We all know dumb Ogres and talking donkeys don't exist. Only in little kid fairy tales and crud."

Momiji shook his head, tears gathering at the corner of his innocent eyes.

"Not true, not true!" He defended loudly, bunny ears making an appearance and wilting to make him look extra pathetic. "If fairy tales weren't real, then they wouldn't be told!"

Kyo snorted. He was too old for petty baby beliefs.

"Whatever, the point is I'm not going to go see that dumb Shrek movie," he protested, crossing his arms.

Then, of course, Yuki had to make things worse.

"You know, technically Spiderman isn't real either. He's from a comic book, stupid cat."

Bristling and spitting, Kyo whirled on the rat.

"At least comic books make more sense than stupid novels! All full of information and lovey dovey stuff... Ick!"

Haru's half lidded eyes went from cat to rat like a trained metronome. He personally didn't care what they saw, he just needed to be home in time to catch Power Rangers. Kyo and Yuki had upped their fight and were now standing nose to nose in hostile postures, causing quite a scene. Momiji burst into tears while Haru, confused and feeling left out of the argument, went Black spontaneously and raved at passerbys.

Akito prayed for death...

The vein was becoming more pronounced and noticeable with each passing second, until finally it caught up with his conscious mind.

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

The four kids groaned and whimpered, rubbing their heads gingerly. Akito wrung out his hand, other hand on hip.

"Now," he snarled, looking at them icily. "Since you brats can't decide, I'll do it for you." He turned from them and pointed at the two advertisements for Shrek and Spiderman. "We shall settle this the old fashion way. The way that many ancient people have used for many years. It is fair and no one questions it. OKAY?"

Everyone nodded, mumbling under their breath. Akito nodded curtly, holding up a hand. The kids held their breath as they watched him do his magic.

"Eenie meenie mine mo, catch Hatori by his toe. If he protests, make him sew. Eenie meenie minie mo." The finger pointed at Spiderman 3. Kyo cheered, Momiji whined, Haru picked his nose, and Yuki looked blank and bored. Akito turned to regard them with a smirk before sauntering to the ticket booth.

His head barely came over the counter. When he was ignored, he cleared his throat loudly and rapped on the glass. Scowling, he looked at the woman behind the glass. She had the top two buttons of her movie theater advertisement t-shirt undone and was chewing some vile pink gum that corresponded with her overly red lipstick.

"Aren't you the cutest little thing I ever did see," she cooed.

"I smell death on you, vile girl."

"How can I help you?" She went on, unfazed by his comment. His glare lessened, still suspicious.

"I need five tickets to Spiderman," he replied shiftily, slapping some money on the counter. The girl popped her gum, bending over the counter over to look at him.

"Normally, I wouldn't let you in the theater because you aren't thirteen," she began slowly, before smiling down at him. "But you're so darn cute! Taking your little friends to the movies and paying for them!"

Akito scowled.

She handed them their tickets, popping her gum and smiling. "Have a nice time, you cutie pies!"

Akito scowled. Then walked into the theater, dragging the boys behind him.

They passed the ticket collectors with a surprising lack of complaint and made their way to their theater. It took a while because Haru and Momiji both threw a fit in front of the snack section. Akito made a bigger scene than they did, yelling at them to haul ass into the theater or the party was over. Finally, they were sedated- err, seated in their rows near the center and watching the screen with wide, excited eyes.

**Which actors both starred in Zoolander and Starksy and Hutch?**

Akito yowled suddenly, shooting up in his seat.

"HOW DARE THIS SCREEN ASK ME QUESTIONS!? DOES IT NOT KNOW WHO I AM!?"

**Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller.**

"WHO!?"

"Uncle Akito, sit down! The movie's starting!" Momiji said, tugging on Akito's shirt. The lights dimmed which made Haru go into a brief panic and left him clinging and refusing to move off of Yuki.

Some previews rolled. The only one that looked good to Akito was Pan's Labyrinth. He made a mental note to make Hatori let him see it when they got back. Finally, the movie began and the theater went silent as everyone waited to catch that glimpse of boy-ishly sexy Toby McGuire. Not a peep was heard.

Until...

"Uncle Akito?"

"What, beef boy?"

"I have to go potty."

* * *

Whoo, I feel better! R&R please!

Fifer-chan


End file.
